What Shifted our Marriage… It Wasn’t What I Expected

I thought I knew what needed to change.

We felt disconnected. I was frustrated. I kept waiting for him to lead, to notice, to say something that made me feel seen. But nothing changed.

Until one day, in prayer, I sensed the Lord gently shifting my focus: “What if I want to start with you?”

It wasn’t condemnation but it was an invitation. And as I leaned into God’s Word, asked hard questions, and began to walk in obedience, I started to see quiet, powerful shifts and not just in me, but in us.

Here are six real-life ways God reshaped how I showed up in my marriage. These weren’t about performance. They were about posture and ways to reflect Christ, even in a season of distance.

1. I Watched My Words

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up…” Ephesians 4:29 (ESV)

Not just what I said to him, but what I said about him. I stopped letting sarcasm or bitterness shape the atmosphere. I began replacing criticism with kindness and affirmation.

Words didn’t fix everything, but they opened space for softness to return.

2. I Gave Him the Benefit of the Doubt

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7 (ESV)

I had been assuming the worst, reading tone, assigning motive, keeping mental score. But love believes the best. I started asking God to help me respond with trust, not suspicion.

Grace in little moments created space for connection to grow.

3. I Let Him Try—Even If It Wasn’t Perfect

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

When he made efforts, small or awkward, I let them count.

I stopped jumping in to correct, critique, or take over. I let go of the pressure to lead everything and gave him freedom to grow without judgment.

It wasn’t about shrinking back. It was about making room.

4. I Practiced Listening Without Fixing

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…” James 1:19 (ESV)

I didn’t realize how often I interrupted or redirected. Sometimes, respect looks like staying quiet and present. I learned to ask,

“Do you want me to help or just listen?”

That one question disarmed so much defensiveness for both of us.

5. I Looked for What Was Good—Not Just What Was Missing

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (ESV)

Instead of waiting for him to do what I thought he should do, I started noticing what he was doing. And I thanked him. I thanked God. I spoke it out loud.

Gratitude didn’t erase every issue, but it softened my spirit and changed how I saw him.

6. I Reminded Him (and Myself) That He Mattered

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (ESV)

Disconnection made both of us feel small. But instead of staying distant, I started speaking life:

“I appreciate that.”

“I see what you’re carrying.”

“You matter to me.”

Small words. Big impact. Over time, it changed how we felt in the same space.

It Didn’t All Change Overnight

We’re still learning. Still growing. Still missing each other sometimes.

But something shifted when I stopped asking God to change him first…

and invited Him to change me.

Not because I had all the answers

but because I trusted that God did.

Want help starting that kind of prayer?

Download the free prayer guide: “When Marriage Feels Distant: A Prayer Guide for Wives”